I'm thinking about dropping out of college and working. I mean, what's the difference between working eight hours in a hospital, or eight hours in a store? The pay, most definately, but money isn't what I wanna achieve. I want to be happy. I don't want to work in a factory, so that's why I went to college, but I don't know what I wanna do with my life, well, I don't really wanna do anything but live, so it doesn't really matter what job I do, right?

I was raised in a sociaty that praises college and everyone around me goes to college, but there are loads of people out there that just like .. work. The girl that works in Curves seems pretty happy, she didn't wanna go to college, she hated school, and she started working @ Curves, and she seems happy. So, why can't I do that? It's just that everyone says I'm going to regret it, that I'm not gonna feel satisfied, blabla. I don't get it. I think that those people who say that (including me, because I was raised thesame way) are just repeating what they've heard from other people. Okay, so WHY am I going to regret it? Because when I finally move out of the house and start my own life, I don't have a lot of money? I know lots of people who are plenty happy without a lot of cash, so that must not be it. So maybe, that life becomes a rut (translation site told me this was the word I was looking for) ? Life becomes boring, repeating, dull? Well .. I don't see how that can't happen to people who have a degree, who have a "better" job. They go to thesame place everyday too, do thesame job over and over again. And you make your own life. I spent an entire year at home doing nothing, I was bored most of the time, because I had nothing to do. But I looooved morning walks and evening walks and sitting by the tv at night, relaxed. Living the simple life. I don't see how this will make me regret anything. Going to a simple, nice job in the morning and relaxing at home by the evening. And then the weekend to go out and have fun. So, I guess you must love what you do. Or atleast like. That's ofcourse one of my terms, I don't wanna work in a factory. I don't see how you can't love a simple job, I mean, I will eventually always work in some building. If I keep studying Psychology, I will most likely end up somewhere in an office, treating patients. If I quit, I will also work in some building (exept if I choose to go all outside-job or something.) It all comes down to pretty much thesame thing, except for the better pay and a somewhat more 'purposefully' job.

God, can you believe that I already feel better thinking about the prospect of working instead of going to college? The change of my mood is so instant, and I haven't even decided anything yet. Or maybe I have, but I haven't done anything yet. Anyway, the only 'problem' I have, is that I feel pretty cowardly. I mean, I'm dropping out because, let's face it, I don't feel like going to college anymore. I don't want to work my brain and study hard. I'm afraid I'll fail at one class, and that one class brought all this up. I don't want to do anything hard, I want it to be easy. And that's like, pathetic, right? Life ain't easy, I know that. I COULD probably do so much better, I probably AM smarter than I think and I probably AM capable of so much more. More capable than working in a store. What a waste, my thoughts tell me. But would that be so bad? So wrong? It's not like I'm a genius who could possibly cure aids, but decides to just work instead. And would the previous example be so wrong? It's probably selfish towards mankind that a genius doesn't cure aids because he simply doesn't feel like it. But if he's miserable doing that and happy just working, who are you to tell him that he can't work, he can't be happy because he's capable of so much more? Who are you to take his happiness away?

Still, I'm no genius, but I'm a quitter, I'm weak and cowardly. I'd rather take the easy road than the hard one. So, I guess I'll have to make the decision whether I'll let sociaty, prejudices, .. rule my happiness. I have to make the decision whether I'm just fine being a coward, fine by taking the easy road, feeling no shame for it or not. Because I know my mom will say I can do whatever I want that makes me happy. I have to make the decision.

So, does anyone have some advice for me? Why do you go to college/why do you work? What do you think about my point of view on life and happiness? Anything?

01.

02.

03.

04.

05.

06.

07. I bought red panties because of this pic ^^

08.

09.

10.

11.

12.

13.

14.

15.

16.

17.

18.

19.

20. I absolutely adore this. This is where I want to be <3

21.

22.

23.

24.

25.

26.

27.

28.

29.

30.

31.

32.

33. Abolutely adore thi ! <3 Bought blue panties because of this. I love the whole autumn clothes. Blue, yellow and brown. I'm trying to make an outfit for myself. I already have blue, brown, red shoes. Brown dress. I don't have ANYTHING yellow, weird right? ^^ So I need to get something yellow, like a scarf or something.

34.

I like fall. I don't like the dark clouds that come with it.

I hate the new uploader thing, let's boycot Xanga haha =")

I'm in my room at my dorm for maybe half an hour and I already feel lonely. Damn it ! I've been wishing for this for months .. I hate my dad and I almost wanned to say 'I hate home.' I just realised I don't hate home, I just hate being at home cause that's where my dad is. Well, I'll guess I'll get used to it. I have to, cause I'll be staying here for 10 months, and 10 months for 4 years after that. Well, I have to move out sometime haha, guess this is good practice. It still feels weird. I'm sure I'm gonna like it after a while. I just need to get out a lot because I KNOW I'm not well and depressed and feel easily lonely, so .. I have to try to be happy & get out a lot. It's just .. The last time didn't work out much because I didn't know anyone at my new school, it's weird, not what I'm used to, ... I love exploring new places, but I can't stay there for too long, because I get anxious and ... SHIT. This was probably a bad idea ^^ Except for the non-supervision when it comes to food. Getting skinny & not having to see my father are the only good sides to this.

UH. GET OVER YOURSELF. DON'T BE SUCH A BABY !

Does anyone have experience with moving out .. ? Am I the only one who feels a little anxious? I'm sure it'll pass and stuff, but I'm kinda 'ugh' right now. Whatever, I can actually feel it decreasing right now hahaha ^^ Damn, that feeling was unpleasant right there, I'm pretty fine now.

I'll miss home though, and miss doing nothing. Being fat sucks, but going for a walk in the morning with your pups, watch a movie while they sleep and read, walk, shop the rest of the day for an entire year made being fat less miserable. I know it's gonna be hard. Not eating especially, cause I'm used to eating a lot. But I will make it happen.

I'll miss: My puppies, definately :( <333 ! ; Walking with my puppies ! ; My room; The beautiful scenery just outside my house;  Just reading all day; The familiarity of everything; My crazy mom; Happy Hour @ 10r20 (It's on a Friday, but I think my class ends very late so I'll miss it ..) Can't find much else I'll miss. The biggest are my puppies and the familiarity.

TOMORROW HAS FINALLY ARRIVED !

What the hell this means? It means that my weightloss journey will finally restart ! No one to look after me, judge me, check on me & a cheap gym account ! I've been thinking about this for the past few days ... Even my future weightloss seems weird to me .. It's just that .. I've been fat for so long, that I can't imagine myself skinny. It's weird. The last time I was really skinny, was when I was a kid. So, I never seduced someone because I wasn't skinny, I never felt really comfortable having sex because I wasn't skinny, I never really flirted, only ugly guys flirted with me, I've never been a grown up, skinny. It's weird, in a few months I'll be able to flirt with someone actually HOT or CUTE, and this guy wont think 'Ieuw she's so disgusting/fat/ugly ...Why is she hitting on me?' ... Hmmm. Well that's it for today. I'm going to this 'Welcoming-Bar' at my dorm to meet my fellow students/roomies. As usual, I have nothing to wear because I'm too fat for everything. Something I will most definately NOT miss.

Sorry for the lack of thinspo/updating. It's been a few busy days. I actually have few posts 'in store' in case something like this happens haha =) I will post one of these days !